Hard to put into words
by Inkmoog
Summary: Ringabel finds himself dealing with some unfamiliar feelings towards one of his best friends, how better to handle it than to look like a complete fool in front of him.


Personal Entry:

My time on Luxendarc has been a rather strange one. All of my meetings and confrontations were foretold.. At least to a degree. The enigmatic writings have long since stopped bearing fruit, and our team has gone through the Great Chasm… But nothing has changed. In fact the world seems to have...reset. The crystals are black with corrupt energy, guarded by perilous creatures yet again.. Norende… my poor friends ruined home, remains in ruins. Swallowed by the indiscriminate void that is the Great Chasm.

We have set off yet again, finding ourselves faced with the same challenge of reactivating the crystals of this land. Perhaps… this time we will be successful.

Our team grew weary with fatigue, we had now met up with the sage Yulyana who requested our stay for the night. Given how pasts events went, and how urgent he said his plans were for the morning, we had little choice but to oblige him.

We were to meet with the sage again in the morning, til then, the rest of the team would rest up.  
I never slept all that well since I've been here, more often than not I'd find myself tossing and turning in bed, restless and...lost in thought. I had too many questions on my mind, too many things needed answers.

'Who am I, how did I get here, was I really meant to embark on this quest?'

These questions plagued my mind, and even on this night, i couldn't find myself any sleep in the near future. I decided to get up and stretch my legs, perhaps take a stroll around the sage's abode. A calm evening stroll should rest my mind, maybe that's what I need.

As I put my tunic back on, I notice a missing body from one of the nearby bunks. Without second thought, I'm wholly aware that it is Tiz who is awake. He hasn't had a single good nights sleep since the adventure began. As I finished buttoning up, I exited the bunks. Tiz wasn't very far away, he was but a few meters away from the tent sitting idly on the grass. He noticed me emerge and gestured for me to come sit with him. This had not been the first time we've met like this. Throughout the journey I would accompany him on his restless nights. Some he would say little and spend the rest looking at the sky wrapped in thought, on others, he would talk to me about his family. About how much he misses them, and how he would do anything to get them back.  
Like a good friend I would listen, and offer what I could in comfort, but I know that..there's only so much I can do. Truthfully I don't know if his family will return with the chasm, they could be lost forever, but he doesn't give up.

I sat down with him, he smiled softly at me, and looked up at the sky. His eyes were dark and alluring, lit up by the light of the moon.  
"You always know when I'm not sleeping, Ringabel." he said quietly.  
I smiled back at him. "Of course, who else is going to keep you company on nights like this? Edea? She eats so much and is tuckered out within the hour!"

He laughed at that, it was good to see him laugh. It felt good to have been the cause. He has endured so much, it's the least I could do for him. I chuckled too at my own joke. While moments like this have become commonplace in our group, rarely did they ever take place between just the two of us.

"So, my friend, what has you up this lovely night? Sleeping hasn't seemed to be going very well for you recently. Are you alright?" I asked him.

Tiz sighed and sat back on his hands.

"I was thinking about Norende. About my family, about Til and the others. About how much I miss them and… how I want to do anything to bring our town back."

His voice was tired but..full of grief. Closing the chasm was his sole reason for leaving Caldisla and leaving the Norende regrowth effort to the king. Knowing him, he wanted to pave every brick of that town with his bare hands. After what he lost.. Who could blame him?

"And we will close the chasm Tiz, we all share that goal." I said back confidently. "Don't forget my friend, you're not alone in this world. You've lost much, yes, but you've gained so much as well. Edea, Agnes, myself, we all want to see you reunited with your home, we want to see you happy again my friend and we'll get there. I promise you on all that I am!"

Tiz smiled, a slight blush crept across his face.

"Jeez, Ringabel, it's not all about me.." He said, with a look of happy embarrassment.

You all have what you want to accomplish too, Agnes wants to purify her world and make things safe for crystalism again. Edea wants to reunify her homeland under the right principles. You want to.. Go home." he went silent for a moment.

"Sorry if I'm being a little selfish in only thinking about myself. You all have hardships too, you all have goals that you want to accomplish. I shouldn't only be worrying about myself here."  
Tiz looked down at the ground, as if he had done something wrong.

I kept my upbeat tone in order to try to give off a reassuring nature in my words.

"My friend, we are all selfish in our own little ways. But you know the best part about our group? We care about each other, and we'll be there for one another. You can think of your problems and still acknowledge mine exist pal, don't feel bad for it. I promise you that it'll all be okay in time."

"How are you able to promise such a thing Ringabel?" he said sounding somewhat incredulous of me. "Isn't that a big promise to make?"

I looked at him and smiled.

"Because I believe in us, and I'll do everything in my power to make you all happy."

He looked at me, a slight smile creeping across his face and a tear making its way down his cheek.

"You all are my light, my reason for continuing, and all I have in this world-" I continued.  
"If I do anything with our time together, I want to keep those smiles on your faces, and make you all happy. As happy as you have made me! I came into your group a stranger, a person with no name and..the only thing hinting to my purpose was prophetic writings of a journal. You didn't have to accept me along, and yet you did. Truthfully, even with the journals writings, I had no idea we would become so close… that I would..come to feel for you all as I do now. I can only hope to help you all like you helped me. Thats… thats what I want to do for you all."

Without much warning Tiz pulled me into a hug, and uttered a muffled 'thank you' into my shirt'

I returned the embrace, wrapping one arm around his side, and using the other to tousle his messy hair.

"No need to thank me, Tiz. I'd do it over and over again if I must."

After a short moment, he released me from his embrace and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.

"S-sorry for getting a bit emotional there.." He said with a sniffle.  
"I'm.. gonna go ahead to bed for now, your words really helped me feel better. Thank you Ringabel."

I smiled at him, "Any time Tiz, any time."

We both stood up and headed for the bunks, the other two still lay soundly asleep in their respective beds. We both had a brief snicker to ourselves as we settled in. I fell asleep relatively quickly, the events of tonight acting as a good lull to my usually thought plagued mind.

-

Personal Entry:

Today we head for the forest side cave again, the sage beckons we come under the pretense of speaking privately with Agnes and a trusted friend of her choosing. Whatever it is, it is urgent enough to request this level of confidentiality. However, the sage has his reasons, and it would make little sense to protest.

I...cannot take my mind off the events of the other night. Tiz and I had a heart to heart, and he was brought to tears of what I hope was happiness. We hugged each other and..it was nice..more than nice even. I can't really seem to shake the warm feeling i get when i recall last night.

Now is hardly the time for talking about such things but perhaps it's worth a mention? I'm not so sure. Maybe in the coming days I'll shake off this feeling i'm having, clearly i'm worrying too much.

As we arrived at the hillside cave, Tiz was the trusted friend Agnes chose to take with her. There was some protest from Airy, but Agnes was steady on her decision, not that Edea or I was surprised their feelings for each other were as clear as day. But… I could feel a twinge of...jealousy deep down in my heart. I don't know why, I mean I've known of their feelings and have respected them for so long. Why is it that now I am?... No. I can't let this get to me. It's not fair to them to begin feeling this way now, and I shouldn't keep this kind of jealousy in the back of my head.

As they walked inside, Edea and I went to go and sit down nearby. Airy was rambling next to us about how upset she was that Agnes chose Tiz over her. She then told us she was gonna go for a stroll around the cave since she had nothing better to do. I paid her no mind, I had my own issues I was dealing with.

I must've had a sour expression on my face, because Edea started talking to me, sounding relatively take aback.

"Whoa, hey, Ringabel are you alright? You don't look like you've been in much of a good mood all morning. Something bugging you?"

I gave a weak smile and tried to take up a reassuring tone as to not let her on to my thoughts.

"Ah! Forgive me, sometimes I wear my thoughts on my sleeve. Was just thinking about something rather trivial, heed me no mind my dear."

Edea looked concerned for me, despite my attempt at reassurance.

"I dunno dude, this isn't really like you. You haven't been yourself like all day..did something happen? Does it have anything to do with you and Tiz's conversation from last night?"

I looked at her in surprise, not really sure how to answer. How on earth would she know about that? She was sleeping like she always did at the time.

"H-how did you know that we talked? I wasn't aware that you were up at all last night!"

"I wasn't at first, but I got up for a bit to ask you something, but then I noticed you and Tiz were gone. When I peeked outside, I saw you sitting down in the grass with him. I didn't listen in on you, but it looked like whatever you were talking about, it was pretty serious...Did..Tiz say something bad to you? Do I have to be worried about him too?"

Edea's face was lit with genuine concern, I feel awful for having worried her at all. Because of my vagueness she seems to think that our conversation was negative and a cause for worry.. I suppose I have no other recourse but to tell the truth.

I explained to her how our conversation went, and all that has been on my mind as a result of it. As I explained, her expression went from a concerned frown to somewhat of a coy smirk. I could only know what kind of hole I've dug for myself.

"I see, I see." She began

"Well I guess the only explanation for your feelings is that… you totally have it bad for Tiz!"

My face became tinted in red as she said the words, a crush? On tiz? Are.. such things even allowed?

"P-please, Edea not so loud, you don't know when they could be coming back outside."

Edea laughed and gave me a gentle punch on the arm.

"Aren't you adorable, you're actually embarrassed right now. I wasn't even aware you had feelings for him. If you were trying to hide it by floundering over all those girls, you definitely did a good job."

I hid my face in my hands, I was definitely embarrassed, and I basically have admitted my feelings at this point.

"I don't know what I am to do, it's clear that Tiz and Agnes love each other, and this is what my brain goes and does to me. How could I be so ridiculous?"

Edea put an arm around my shoulder and ruffled my hair.

"Hey, hey, don't be so hard on yourself lover-boy. It's really not that big a deal. You don't know, maybe Tiz feels the same way back? Have you even thought about talking to him about your feelings?"

"Tell him?" I said with disbelief.

"How could I tell him? There's no way I could say that to him, what if he gets upset at me for it, for getting in the way of him and Agnes...What if… he doesn't feel the same way towards me back.."

My heart ached, I had told many many girls in the past how beautiful they were, and that I cared for them like no other but.. Tiz is different. Those words were used to win over the hearts of those who I knew so little of and in retrospect..cared little for. But him, I've been with him through hardship, I've supported and had his back at any turn he may need me… I… I care for him.

Edea hugged me. "Hey, hey, this is Tiz we're talking about here. If anyone will understand, he most definitely will. He's a sweet boy, a bit naive and oblivious to things, but sweet all the way through. Talk to him Ringabel, I'm sure it'll go a lot better than what your mind might trick you into thinking."

I nodded and returned her hug for a moment.

"Thank you Edea, I'm not sure where I'd be without you."

She chuckled.

"Don't mention it, doofus. We're friends, it's what we do for each other."

We sat in silence for a while, Airy returned not long after we finished speaking, and not too long later Tiz and Agnes re-emerged from the hillside cave.  
We decided to camp out another night in the nearby town of Florem, then we make our way to the water crystal at dawn.

Hopefully I can sort out my feelings before then..

Personal Entry:

I'm still shocked that I managed to profess my feelings for Tiz to Edea earlier today, I've never felt so uneasy from just speaking words in all my lifetime. I've made up my mind that I'll tell him tonight while the girls sleep at the inn, I hope it wasn't too much to ask to speak with him after dark. It's likely caused some concern in his mind, and he'll probably be confused when what the fuss is about is so childish.

Part of myself is incredibly afraid of what he'll say, homosexual relationships aren't frowned upon but..they also aren't the most common. I don't know how Tiz would even feel about such a thing, let alone would he ever consider it.  
I'm.. for lack of a better word.. uneasy. It's hard to admit it to myself but, I'll genuinely be hurt if he turns me down.

I won't let that deter me though, I'll still try my best at this.

Gods, please don't let this go bad.

Tiz showned a faint amount of concern when I asked to speak with him, I assured him that all things were fine, but even then he sounded worried as he accepted.

The town of Florem is lively during most of the night, some people still populated the streets, but not as much as what would normally be seen during the day. I sat on a nearby bench, on any other day I would be looking for a ravishing young girl to try to woo into my arms.. but that wasn't what I wanted. I spent my time waiting there thinking about what I could say, what I could do. I was still hopelessly afraid and wasn't sure how I was gonna do this but...still, I had to try.

Tiz approached me slowly from the inn, a casual smile laid across his face as he came up. As we met eye contact, he smiled in my direction and raised a hand to wave at me. I waved back and tried my best to not look as nervous as I actually was.

"Hey there, Ringabel." he said.

"You needed to talk to me, is everything alright?"

He always managed to be so calm, even when he's vaguely concerned about his friend. Although to be fair he wasn't aware of what I wanted to tell him.

"Ah… yes.. Everything is fine, forgive me if my request worried you, that wasn't my intent."

I was trying my best to keep my cool, my voice felt like it could crack at any moment.  
I took a deep breath, and then looked him in the eye.

"Tiz..I don't really know how how exactly to say this,"

That's..probably a lie, Tiz has seen me woo my fair share of women, this shouldn't be coming so hard to me as it is right now. Good gods I don't know what to say.

"I… I…"

My face was beet red, and I was falling over my own words just trying to talk to the guy. He looked at me with a confused look in his eyes and reached a hand out to me as to offer some means of comfort.

"Hey.. Ringabel, are you sure you're okay? I've never seen you like this before.."

He's worried again, damn my sudden speech limitations. Why can't I just.. say what I need to say to him.

"Tiz, I… I…" I swallowed a lump that had built itself up in my throat.  
 _It's now or never Ringabel, say it already!_

"Tiz.. ever since the other night..I've been well.. Stuck."

Tiz looked at me, puzzled.  
"What do you mean, Ringabel?"

"I mean that.. my thoughts, my mind has been really stuck on something lately, and I well, I'm scared to say what it is."

I must sound pathetic, all of this and I can't even tell him that I care for him, more than just..a friend. I covered my face with my hands, feelings of shame washed over me.

 _I'm never gonna tell him am I? Oh gods what am I going to-_

I felt Tiz pull me into a warm embrace, my body resting against his.

"Ringabel.. don't be afraid okay?" He said to me sweetly.

"I don't know what you want to say, and I'm sure you're having a lot of trouble but..whatever it is, don't be afraid.  
You're my friend, and you can trust me. I promise."

I looked up at him, he was smiling down at me warmly, it filled my body with an ever familiar feeling of...content. I had to believe in him, believe that things would be okay. He wouldn't purposefully hurt me, I know it.

"Okay." I said, a bit more calmly.

"My problem has been...feelings, to say the least."

Tiz nodded and waited for me to continue.

"Ever since our last conversation, our heart to heart of sorts, I've had so much trouble just getting your name out of my mind for a moment. So many thoughts pop up for me, how much I care for you, and want to protect you and make you happy… It's..somewhat embarrassing to admit."

Tiz was blushing slightly now, his face was colored a faint shade of red, nonetheless he offered reassuring gestures.

"I'm listening, go on, continue."

I sighed once more, it was now or never.

"I believe I've fallen for you, my friend." I said plainly.  
"I've always been fond of you, but..I suppose our last conversation is what truly made me come to terms with my true feelings."

Tiz seemed somewhat taken aback at my confession.  
"Why...would you feel that way about me?"  
He said, incredulously.

"N-not that I am mad or upset or anything, but… I never thought I would be.." he trailed off.

I looked down at my hands, and twiddled my fingers as I spoke.

"I've always been fascinated by your demeanor, and amazed by your devotion." I said quietly.

"You've lost so much... and you work harder than anyone to get that back. You manage to stay happy in the face of all the pain you've been through, all the people and things you've lost.  
I admire...your strength, your ability to continue on.  
I've been so lost honestly without you and the others, chances are, without your example to act as inspiration, I would've given up on learning who I am ages ago."

I could feel a tear welling up in my eye.

"I've always admired your antics, your way of going about things, your obliviousness as well as your wisdom. It's hard to put my finger on just one thing, on just one reason, because every thing makes up a unique and admirable quality of you.

I just..like you."

Tiz and I sat in silence or a moment, I was still leaning against him, unsure if there was anything more I should add. If there was, I had no idea what it could be, I'm at an utter loss for words.

Then I felt his soft hand trace it's way through my fingers and hold itself lightly onto mine. I looked up at him, his face was aloft with confusion and...embarrassment.

"Ringabel, I… I'm no good at this kind of thing either." he began.

 _It's okay, just let me down easy._ I thought to myself.

"But..I'm so glad you said it because, I don't know if I ever could've.."

Hold on, what was that?

He gave my hand a light squeeze as he spoke again.

"I've really cared for you too, for a long while now, but… I hesitated, didn't want to overstep my boundary."

"You always can talk to me!" I said, a bit louder than I wanted.

"Y-yes but.. Understand my position, I didn't think that your orientation fell into that category, I mean I've seen the numerous girls you've dated."

My face sunk for a moment, perhaps this was the gods way of punishing me for my lecherousness.

"So… wait." I said still somewhat confused.

"If you like me back then...what happens now?"

"What do you mean?" He said back.

"I mean what now… what about Agnes? Don't you love her too?  
Do we date? Do we tell the others..? I'm not all that sure-"

To my initial surprise, Tiz leaned in as of to lay a kiss upon my lips. His lips looked soft and inviting. If his aim were to shut me up he definitely succeeded, for the moment he leaned in, my brain turned had ceased all literary function.

…

His kiss was quick and short lived, it wasn't domineering or to take advantage of the situation. It was timid, done in such a way where it seemed like he was unsure the entire time.  
As his lips touched mine, I leaned in as well, to return the kiss. I could feel him relax a bit, his grip on my hand lightening somewhat afterwards. He pulled back and smiled down at me, there was a loving tenderness to his gaze, and that ever familiar red tint still stretched across his face.

When he spoke again, he did so quietly, and calmly.

"I love you, Ringabel. You too are my light, you too, give me hope to continue." He said.

"I don't know what tomorrow may bring, I don't know where to proceed from here...I'm...I'm still not used to this love thing. Heh"

I sat and nodded in affirmation, as if still entranced by the kiss from earlier.

"But..perhaps we can take it all a step at a time. I'll answer your concerns in due time but..for tonight..can we both be happy about the what we've learned?  
I still almost can't believe it, hehe, my face is warm from the blood rushing upwards.

But.. I love you, Ringabel. I can say that with certainty."

His words sounded sincere, and he looked at me and smiled. Warm feelings of contention washed over me, and I embraced him once again, laying a soft kiss against his cheek and resting my head on his shoulder.

"I love you too, Tiz.  
Thank you."

We sat with each other for a while, my body had never been more at ease in my lifetime, I was sure of it. Funny, my entire journey was spent searching for my identity, for my home but… in this moment, home is where I am. I couldn't ask for anything more.

After a while we both decided we should go back in before too late, one of the girls could wake up and we could both do without the suspicion from them.

As we headed to our respective beds we kept eye contact until the other turned over in their bed. I wanted to hold his hand again. I wanted to kiss him again. Hopefully tomorrow would bear the fruit that I needed to feed my romantic soul.

Tiz..our miracle boy..

To this day I still can't get him out of my mind.

But.. I think I'm okay with that.


End file.
